Nugget

I cried a sigh of relief and fear when I found out I was pregnant with Nugget. I named them Nugget because even though I had decided on an abortion, they were my baby and deserved a name.

My decision on an abortion came fast and in a fog with little direction and guidance on how it would affect me. I had to wait weeks before I could schedule an abortion. The pregnancy was painful but the aftermath of not knowing how to deal with what happens after an abortion and how to talk about it was worse.

Though I don't regret my decision, I often think about Nugget and that's okay.

My decision

I had not planned for it to happen, but it finally did. The story of my abortion came up in a conversation today with my mother. Nearly one year after I made the decision to have a medical abortion. She expressed some sadness, saying that she wished that I had kept the child. I told her that I am firm in my belief that there’s nothing wrong with choosing to abort a pregnancy. And that I have no regrets. She then expressed concerns about future fertility, and I had to tell her there’s no evidence for that. Finally, she admitted that she had accompanied a friend to get an abortion back when she was in high school and, for some unknown reason, developed a fear of abortion.

There was no hesitation about what I wanted to do when I first discovered I was pregnant. My partner was supportive and told me he would respect my decision, no matter what it was. We both want children in the future, but I was not prepared for it then. And I was pretty sure that he had not planned on becoming a dad so soon. I informed him that I wasn’t ready for a baby, and he said softly, “okay.” However, he paused for a moment and said, “I thought about how I’d feel if you had said that you wanted to keep it, and… I think I would have been ready.” I was instantly touched, feeling grateful that he’s my partner.

I was five weeks in, so I opted for a medical abortion. I had read some stories about this, and mentally prepared myself for some intense cramping after swallowing the pill. However, I was surprised to find that my experience was pretty positive. I barely had any cramps. But most of all, I felt relieved. And thankful. Thankful to be living in a country where medical abortion is legal.

It would be a lie to say that I haven’t wondered how our child would look like if I had not gone through with the abortion, but I don’t regret my decision. I am in a happy relationship with my partner. Still, I wish I have the courage to voluntarily inform the people in my life about it. I’m not ashamed to admit that I had an abortion if asked about it. But to volunteer this piece of information to people close to me… I guess deep down, I’m scared of being negatively judged for it. At the same time, I recognise that not talking about the topic is going to continue to drive the taboo. Maybe in time, I will learn to have the courage to talk about it.

Lil' Baby

When I first learned of your existence, I had a brief moment of happiness. You were my first baby. I wanted you. Then, I texted your father because we were both at work, he was so angry to say the least. He did not want you lil’ baby.

I knew of you for one month. You made me so so sick. I was so ready for the date that it would all be over. That month doesn’t seem so long anymore.

I had to have three different appointments before I had to take the actions to abort you. Each one was so much harder than the last. But I still made the decision, I did not want you to grow up without a dad, and I was unable to care for you by myself.

The people at Planned Parenthood were so nice and understanding of one. They did not have judging eyes; I was thankful for that. They walked me through the steps of the medical abortion. It seemed simple, easy. I was not expecting to see you formed so perfectly. That was hard. It was hard leaking the milk that was meant for you.

I have always been the maternal type. I am the mom of the friend group. I raised my younger siblings. I spent majority of my twenties raising other people’s children. I never thought that I would make a decision like this. But I did.

I told my mom a week later. She was much more understanding than I thought she would be. I grew up Christian, and still consider myself to be. The guilt, shame, and remorse are heavy right now. But I am hopeful that I will be okay.

Although this decision was extremely tough for me. It still is really hard, but I am thankful to have been able to have safe choices for this decision.

I know that I will see you again lil’ baby.

I am not sure if I regret this fully or not. And that is okay. It is okay to not know how to feel. That has been the thing that has bothered me the most. I feel relief, but it is immediately followed by guilt.

First time bearer of life

This was my first baby ever, with the man I been with for almost 8 years. I feel like we had different perspectives on the relationship. For me I was in love and happily welcomed, loved and accepted our child. He broke up with me during the pregnancy. We had lots of arguments. Neither he or is family were supportive. I never believed abortion was ever right for me. But I couldn't force a baby onto a father who felt like he wasn't ready. So I aborted my beloved baby.

The whole experience of abortion was traumatizing. The physical and emotional pain is a struggle to deal with. The experience of producing milk was difficult, but I try to turn it into a positive and remember my baby. I regret it and miss my baby so much everyday. I want my baby to know how much I love it.

I wouldn't tell anyone to abort or keep a baby. My advice would be to make a decision you can live with. Also, discuss this important topic with your intimate partner. I write letters to my baby and I bought a scrapbook with the word remember on the cover. I plan on getting a tattoo and engraved necklace. What's most important is to become a better me and forgiveness.

Raw & Empowered!

This is my abortion story. This was my 1st abortion. Today is the day after my abortion.

Years ago, I was told I have endometriosis. I didn't think I could get pregnant - my husband and I have been having unprotected sex for over a decade. Knowing I have endometriosis, medical issues and lots of scar tissue I did not see the pregnancy getting to full term or being healthy for myself or the baby.

My husband and I decided an abortion was the best option for my health, the baby’s health, our financial situation, and our 15 year old (the age gap wasn't ideal).

I finally got the courage to call the only abortion clinic at a reasonable distance (2 hours away). I told them everything and made an appointment for the next day.

I kept going over ALL the possible things that could go wrong in my head. I just broke down. I thought: “am I doing the right thing?” - yes, I know I am- but I'm scared shitless!

I finally stopped crying as we approached the clinic. On the phone they said to be aware of protesters and to ignore them. Luckily the rain made them chicken out.

We waited for a while. My name was called for my ultrasound. My husband was not permitted to go with me. She asked if I wanted to know how far along I was and if I wanted an ultrasound picture. I say yes to all. I was 5 weeks and 6 days pregnant.

After a while, I was called back to talk to a counselor. Turned out I couldn’t take the abortion pill because of some of the medications I take. I HAD to have the procedure. I FREAKED OUT!

I ended up scheduling my procedure for the very next day so I would not wreck myself with anxiety. So glad I was strong enough to not put it off!

The next day, when I saw the clinic, the nerves took over. I was told to go to the Relaxation Room, remove underwear and pants, put them in a provided bag, wrap a sheet around my bottom half and have a seat. I was the last patient of the day. A nurse came in and called my name. This is go time! No backing out. I was in a panicked dream state. The Dr came in and did a pelvic exam and used a vaginal ultrasound to see where exactly my uterus and the fetus are. The vaginal ultrasound did not hurt! Then came the real deal: she put some liquid on me for cleanliness purposes, put the forceps in and then she gave me shots in my cervix- ouch! It stung each time. Then she told the nurse to hand her other instruments. It was very uncomfortable, bad cramps! She used the suction device. It hurt. She did another vaginal ultrasound to see whether it was all out. I hear "all clear, got it all" and told me the pain was more intense because I had a C-section and lots of scar tissue. The procedure didn't last long but was intense!

I was escorted by the nurse to recovery. I was surprised I wasn’t in a lot of pain. I was released and could go home!

Today is the day after my abortion, no pain. I had my abortion when I was exactly 6 weeks pregnant. I kept thinking to myself how some women do not have this choice and how lucky I was. Even though it's not an ideal situation, it was safer than continuing the pregnancy.

I'm thankful I got to have this abortion and my heart goes out to those who live in a state where it's prohibited!

LOVE and PEACE to ALL!
If *I* can do this YOU can do this!