Lil' Baby

When I first learned of your existence, I had a brief moment of happiness. You were my first baby. I wanted you. Then, I texted your father because we were both at work, he was so angry to say the least. He did not want you lil’ baby.

I knew of you for one month. You made me so so sick. I was so ready for the date that it would all be over. That month doesn’t seem so long anymore.

I had to have three different appointments before I had to take the actions to abort you. Each one was so much harder than the last. But I still made the decision, I did not want you to grow up without a dad, and I was unable to care for you by myself.

The people at Planned Parenthood were so nice and understanding of one. They did not have judging eyes; I was thankful for that. They walked me through the steps of the medical abortion. It seemed simple, easy. I was not expecting to see you formed so perfectly. That was hard. It was hard leaking the milk that was meant for you.

I have always been the maternal type. I am the mom of the friend group. I raised my younger siblings. I spent majority of my twenties raising other people’s children. I never thought that I would make a decision like this. But I did.

I told my mom a week later. She was much more understanding than I thought she would be. I grew up Christian, and still consider myself to be. The guilt, shame, and remorse are heavy right now. But I am hopeful that I will be okay.

Although this decision was extremely tough for me. It still is really hard, but I am thankful to have been able to have safe choices for this decision.

I know that I will see you again lil’ baby.

I am not sure if I regret this fully or not. And that is okay. It is okay to not know how to feel. That has been the thing that has bothered me the most. I feel relief, but it is immediately followed by guilt.