I made the choice... twice

Trigger warning: intimate partner abuse

I was sixteen. Sixteen when I found out I was pregnant. I still had my provisional drivers license. I couldn’t rent a car. I couldn’t vote. I couldn’t smoke a cigarette. I couldn’t drink a beer. But now I was going to be a parent. 

All that aside I was stuck. Stuck in an abusive relationship with a man who would call me fat just to see me cry, and turn around and call me a boney toothpick when he saw a curvy woman. Verbal abuse. I didn’t even know what those words meant when I was 16. All I knew was I was pregnant and he made me cry every night. 

I remember going for the consultation for my abortion. They asked me many questions and that’s when it hit me. I never missed a pill. Not one single pill. Yet, I was pregnant. I went home to my boyfriend after my initial consult for the abortion. He laughed at me when I brought up my birth control. He said “you idiot I took your pills all the time.” Meaning he threw one out here and there. I was shocked, devastated, I felt betrayed. 

Ultimately, I terminated my pregnancy with a medical abortion at 9 weeks. I saw that baby on the screen the day before. Planned parenthood was amazing. They never turned the screen towards me. But when they left the room, I looked. I saw the shape, the small arm buds, everything. But still the following day I had the abortion. 

I wish the story ended there. I left the man that abused me verbally and occasionally physically. But my self esteem was so low. I was a scared, confused girl and I took him back after he promised things would be different. 

This time I wasn’t careful. He didn’t have to compromise my birth control because I did it to myself. I never regretted my first abortion. I regretted going back to that man and I coped by neglecting myself. Something I only realize now, 6 years later. 

Three months passed and after a particularly bad fight I went to stay at my mom’s. I told her I was feeling sick and I went and got a test. The lines showed up immediately. I wish I could explain the emotions I felt that day, seeing those lines. But I can’t. 

I told my boyfriend. He was overjoyed, as he had been before. He won. He had me. For life. I pretended things were good. I felt I didn’t have a choice; I couldn’t possibly have another abortion. One night, I discovered he had been cheating on me with 3 women the entire year and a half of our relationship. 

Yelling turned to name calling. And when that wasn’t enough of an impact on me, he pushed me down 3 flights of stairs. 

Enough was enough. I moved home. He called me multiple times a day. He said “think of Carter.” The name we had picked when I was pretending things were good and I was happy with the pregnancy. 

I had my second abortion, this time the pill at 8 weeks. I felt free. I look back on it now and there is not one single regret. I do not miss what could have been. Because I know what could have been would have been hell. 

I became a mother 2 years ago. With the man I love by my side. We welcomed a beautiful baby girl into the world. I know now she would never have been here if I hadn’t made the decisions I made. 

I will never regret my decision to be able to have 2 safe legal abortions. And that is a feeling no one can take away from me, ever. 

Relief and gratitude

When my daughter was 1 1/2 I found out I was pregnant again. I was in shock because I was still breastfeeding often and I was cautious the rare time I had sex. When I saw the test results I was filled with dread. I was already so depleted and exhausted. The thought of having another child seemed terrifying and impossible. I didn’t want to be pregnant.

I’m lucky. I felt safe enough to share what was going on with friends and family. They supported me and understood that I didn’t want another baby. 

I called a nearby clinic and had an appointment within 2 weeks. I was a bit nervous about the procedure and stressed about the recovery with a little one to care for. My mom came with me and my husband took time off work. I was amazed by how wonderful everyone at the clinic was and how cared for I felt. It wasn’t scary or painful for me. I felt relaxed and relieved afterwards. I kept waiting for the grief or shame I thought I was supposed to feel but it never came. I feel immense gratitude that I live in a city where I can access an abortion with such ease and safety. Everyone deserves that. 

I try to share my story whenever I can because I want dispel stigma. And because I’m not ashamed of my choice.

I never wanted kids

I was with my boyfriend for two years when I found out I was pregnant during hurricane Sandy and there were no buses or trains or any kind of transportation for days, power was out for two weeks, I had no battery on my phone and I had no way to contact my boyfriend and tell him. We were doing long distance for a year and he was in ____ state so I couldn’t even go to his house and tell him, I called from a pay phone and told him and we both didn’t know what to do. 

Me and him always said we never ever wanted kids, he even went as far as going to planned parenthood and getting a vasectomy and I always wanted to tie my tubes but I’m too young.... clearly the vasectomy didn’t work and we were pregnant and both confused. We talked and talked for days and decided we’d keep it, we didn’t know how we would pay for an apt. and a baby and my move to ____ state but we’d make it work. I didn’t know how I would graduate college in my last year and have this baby but we would make it work. I told my mom I was pregnant right away and I had her tell my dad because I couldn’t face him, neither were thrilled about it but said no matter what I chose they would support me and love the baby. 

I was still conflicted over everything because I had a life plan and this wasn’t what I planned, I didn’t even want kids and the more I thought about everything I would give up I started becoming unsure about keeping it. I still decided to keep it until my mom sat me down and spoke from her heart and told me she didn’t want to see me struggling because I chose to have this baby and she didn’t want me to give everything up for this baby I didn’t even want in the first place. It was the hardest decision I ever had to make in my entire life, it was emotional and life changing but I chose abortion because in my heart I knew I didn’t want this life and I didn’t want to give up everything I wanted for something that wasn’t even planned. I realized that I could have a baby whenever I wanted but if I had THIS baby I could never ever take that back.

3 days before my 24th birthday I went to the Planned Parenthood that I have been going to since I was 19 and had my abortion. I thought it would be a lot more emotional and I would feel some kind of attachment but I was ok, no tears, no hard feelings – it felt like I was doing the right thing. My doula was amazing and so was the doctor that performed the abortion and all throughout the procedure they made me feel at ease and never once made me think twice about what I was doing. Fast forward a year later: me and my boyfriend ended up breaking up because he was cheating on me throughout the entire relationship.

I’m so grateful for my abortion because I’m not sure I would be who I am today or where I would be if I didn’t get my abortion.

An abortion is emotional and personal and never an easy decision and no one wants to ever have one but shit happens and you can always have another baby when the timing is right and when it’s on your terms, an abortion is painful but you will get over it and day by day you start to think less and less of it but you will never forget it. 

Every year when November 12 arrives I remember the day I had my abortion and when June arrives I remember the day my child would have been born.

No Regrets

I have had two abortions, one at 24 and the other at 26. Both times I was using contraception, the first time condoms, the second the contraceptive patch. Both times I fell pregnant with the same man who was my long term boyfriend and who also could've probably provided for me and a baby financially. So, why did I have an abortion not just once, but twice? Well I just didn't feel ready. Mentally or emotionally I wasn't prepared to give a child what I thought it needed, and I suspected my partner wasn't either. I felt certain of my decision the first time. The second time, not knowing if perhaps this would be my last chance to have a child, some doubt did creep in, but after about two days of serious consideration I knew that those factors did not override my feelings of not being mentally ready to take on such a massive commitment. 

The first time I opted for what is called a 'medical' abortion, believing it was a less invasive procedure. Living in the UK, abortions are actually free but there is a waiting list and it can take up to a few weeks. If you want the termination done as soon as possible then you have to pay for it, so that's what I did the first time. On arriving at the clinic I wasn't particularly nervous as I thought the whole process would be easy, just popping a pill and feeling some discomfort and perhaps experience some bleeding. How wrong I was! There were some protesters outside with quite graphic posters chanting nasty messages at us as we went in. It really pissed me off to think that people could be so judgmental and self-righteous.

I took the pill, was advised to take some paracetamol, go home and let things take their course. After a few hours, a sudden crashing wave of cramps rushed through me and I felt what I can honestly only describe as the worst pain I've ever experienced. Then followed hours on the loo feeling like I'd pass out from how cold I felt and intense vomiting and diarrhea, screaming at my partner that I thought I might be dying. After a call to the clinic and being assured that I was just having a strong reaction to the pill but that I would be ok, I had no choice but to just ride out the excruciating pain until I was so exhausted I fell asleep. The experience traumatized me due to the physical pain I went through, but other than that I have no regrets.

With my second abortion, I chose to have the surgical option. All I remember is lying down in the theatre room one second and the next waking up in a wheelchair being pushed to a recovery room. Apart from feeling a little groggy I felt absolutely fine. I was taken to sit in a room of about 8 other girls until the anesthetic wore off. Some were crying which was disconcerting but I personally knew I'd made the right decision. Fast forward 5 years and I'm pregnant for the third time with the same man, but this time it was planned and we are both happy. I can honestly say neither me nor my partner ever felt moments of regret since the terminations. In fact there have been quite a few moments that have proved to me we made the right decision both times.

Now that I'm nearly 9 months gone I believe that in my twenties, neither I nor my relationship with my now fiancé was strong enough to withstand the emotional toll that pregnancy brings with it, let alone the responsibility of what having a child involves. I also think having those abortions has made this experience all the more special this time round and something I know we are both now completely ready to undertake.